a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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