I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
