plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
