Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Randomize
