I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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