Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
