I wish I could teleport
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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