Quick, to the slutcave!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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