i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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