I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
