i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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