i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize