Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
