You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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