So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
