u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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