you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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