she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize