You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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