I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So squirting runs in the family.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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