How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize