Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
