i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
