i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
