wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
