omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
