You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
