what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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