When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
