There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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