I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
