ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
