Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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