i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
