If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
