I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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