At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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