My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
