Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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