i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if only i could text you this smell
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
