i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize