omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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