i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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