just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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