Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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