how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
