I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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