So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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