According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
