I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
