i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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