I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
