You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
