You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
