Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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