So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
