I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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