I only kidnapped one of them. chill
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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