Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
