i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
