Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
