Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
