Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
